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21 August 2015 @ 06:58 am

I think that sharing happiness is easier for me, while sadness is something I don't share easily with anyone (so I bring it all online and written in my notebooks).

My mid or late year resolution is to stop blocking out everyone with work as an excuse and to start trying again. Because people can tell if you're trying right?

12 August 2015 @ 07:09 pm

In Portland, I fell in like with a boy who worked at a cafe/deli.  He looked clean cut(?) and calm/reliable, or like someone I could lean on when I'm tired and who would take me seriously without judging me even when I come off kind of silly or ditzy sometimes (like him gently waving me back down to my seat seriously and non-judgmentally when I was so nervous that I jumped up every time he brought out an order). And he had great work ethics, straightening out the chairs at 7am with seriousness and diligence for the family business where he was working most likely only to help out over the summer, and I liked how he made an effort to smile brighter at me every time he handed me my order because I always tried to put on a bright smile for him. He made my heart beat every time I saw him and made me want to dress up well when I went to work. I never had the courage to ask for his name or number even when, in my exhaustion, I would still try to make it to his store in the morning to buy a breakfast burrito. I left Portland after my two weeks business trip and I think my heart hurt a little for the two weeks after in regret. But I also felt sad/frustrated with myself and had thoughts like, "Who even wants to eat a breakfast burrito every single morning? Was I not obviousenough? He probably didn't want to give me his number but was too nice to outright reject me, so he just humored me and put up with my subtletyobviousness or silliness while being softly amused." Anyways, he was someone I fell in like with without knowing anything about his background or social status other than that he was Asian. My feelings for him felt so innocent.

Now, only shortly after and three months later on another business trip within California, I more formally meet and work with and have lunch with a co-worker.  And I find out that he is Chinese and can even speak Cantonese (which is my family's dialect) and I know his socio-economic status, approximate age, and that he gets along with his grandmother.  He looks clean cut, professional, just the right height and probably stature, and is confident, and I honestly can't read him because of his poker, stoic face--sometimes he comes off pretty nosy/scary/cold/judging. But then sometimes, the way he never fails to invite me to lunch with him and another co-worker he is close with, the way he makes an effort every day to ask me what I had for dinner or did the night before, the way he felt nice and non-judgmental though I was sick and probably looked or sounded disgusting, and the way he notices all these details like whether and what I eat or don't during lunch. He seems surprisingly nice and different from my first impression of him and I honestly still can't read him, so my self-defense mechanism puts this safe thought in my head that he's probably super nice but also doesn't like me as a person or someone he would want to be friends with. But it's kind of pathetic because I'm pretty sure I am in like with him and the only thing keeping me grounded is that he has a girlfriend. Who today he has casually thought about marriage to. And again, he probably doesn't like me but is somehow able to come off as nice despite the poker face. And I'm not sure if I like him for that or because he matches all the most basic ideals I have. This is someone I fell in like with, after knowing a lot about him superficially, including his job and status, nationality, and so on and that he also tries with everyone.

Anyways, two different types of like. Both of which have made me feel absolutely pathetic within a short span of two weeks each. And...do I sound lonely yet?  OTI

27 September 2014 @ 12:45 pm
Last year near my birthday, between my dad's surgery and being busy with work while feeling perpetually lonely, I think I reached a peak in my depression. I don't think anyone noticed. And people asked me why I deactivated my facebook, but none of them really wanted to care too much or take it seriously that I could be depressed/sad, so they brushed it off lightly as me being antisocial and making too much of the most trivial of conflicts with people on facebook. (But there was no conflict. Only an unconscious I'm-not-close-enough-with-you-to-want-to-know-about/deal-with-your-real-feelings.)

I was also tired of all the extended family members that were supposed to be "close" with me but that judged me heavily. (Have you ever thought about how maybe it's not that I'm never serious? That maybe I don't discuss politics or anything serious with you such as homosexuality because I know we'll never agree and I think you're too naive and have experienced too little, but I care about you and our relationship enough that I don't want to ruin it with-- /sigh)

Deactivating myself from facebook. Keeping myself grounded in real life, work, co-workers, and the few real-life friends, and a few twitter people that I like and respect really helped me to get away from all that unhappiness. (Twitter friends that taught me about a second breath of air and what it means to live.) For the first time in years, I started to feel happy, something I'd thought I would never truly feel again in that tunnel of darkness at the time.

Fast forward to my birthday this year. Nothing really changed other than my feelings inside me--feeling happier and more comfortable with who I am. There were still the same judging insinuations and remarks made by extended family members. I think I'm going to let it go--let the relationships go that is and accept that sometimes, people change and relationships may never be able to be the same again. I have feelings too after all, and I feel like those people feel too entitled, take it too much for granted that either I'm dumb enough to continue smiling and not realize the insinuating remarks that they make to my face or that I'm okay with their opposite morals/values/beliefs and the things they say to me just because they're family. But no, it's not ok to me when I'm the only one trying to make the relationship work, the only who who cares and puts the relationship above whatever morals/values/beliefs. So goodbye until you care again?

I'm going to work harder and surprise you... :)
24 April 2014 @ 06:42 pm
The reason I've been happy keeping off facebook is because I always want to keep all my sadness, fears and frustrations hidden away from others, especially those in my life, whether real life or virtual. Like I don't like to share the unhappiest and probably most vulnerable parts of myself, even to those I'm supposedly closer with. Maybe I just feel like I can't click with anyone...but I know it's also why I feel so alone, maybe how I scare off some potential friends, and why I don't feel much anymore...even the happy feelings...like everything is being repressed and I've forgotten how to react or express my feelings, even though I do feel things deep inside. Even when I'm angry, I'm so calm on the exterior it scares me. And when I should be happy, I wonder whether I am. This is all so fucked up. I'd like to find myself again, thank you.
01 February 2014 @ 12:16 am
When I removed those posters from the wall and stared at its bareness, tears came because such a large part of my heart...you were so precious to me.

When I removed the professional makeup tonight from my face, I felt like Cinderella when the bell struck, becoming plain again.

They say that I don't get drunk easily and can take alcohol well, but actually, when I get drunk, surprising clarity fills my mind and all the sadness takes over, leaving me calm.

You said you wished we could wait for you until the end but didn't want to have to beg. Do you know, I also always wished that you would stay for us until the end, but I didn't want to be selfish and didn't want to beg either. Until the end, you've always understood me the most. I won't promise that I'll wait.

My new year's resolution, letting go...of all the anger, bitterness, sadness, but also happiness that came first. Always remembering and carrying it with me, but also letting it go and moving forward to become a better person. I promise. Like you promised to work harder and grow more and make me regret, "I shouldn't have left that dude." Yes, promise me that and thank you from the bottom of my heart, always.
Current Music: Nell - Afterglow
04 January 2014 @ 03:11 am
The memories make me lonely, and it feels bittersweet to watch the sun rise with them while having seen you end with the sunset...even now, was it an end?

But, my sun rises and sets with you, even as I move forward and higher.

I'd like to continue to improve myself in 2014, make the people I love and care about happy, and reach for some of the small and maybe new dreams that I have. I hope everyone's 2014 is even more fun, fulfilling, healthy and happy. 2014, let's go!
02 September 2013 @ 01:23 am
001.truth 002.accept 003.chain 004.save 005.ring
006.cat 007.name 008.rain 009.laundry 010.umbrella
011.glasses 012.delete 013.phone 014.replace 015.quit
016.hate 017.december 018.confess 019.room 020.denial
021.stare 022.lost 023.smile 024.need 025.yes
026.bend 027.like 028.mistake 029.boundaries 030.push
031.patience 032.impulse 033.miles 034.link 035.remain
036.decide 037.secret 038.force 039.stay 040.laugh
041.nine 042.attention 043.instinct 044.same 045.mask
046.break 047.share 048.danger 049.escape 050.lie


http://papercomplex.livejournal.com/1024.html (modified with 1-sentence prompts)
001.paper airplanes 002.iPods 003.teardrops/rain 004.photographs 005.jiggy
006.fall 007.journey 008.breathe 009.promise 010.our own world
011.because of you 012.colors of the rainbow 013.the leaders 014.forgotten bookmark 015.silence
016.broken hourglass 017.right here with you 018.fly with me 019.yarn 020.dinner
021.ghosts 022.house (only an address) 023.polka dots 024.cup 025.sun
026.gravity 027.country side 028.broken promises 029.ring 030.sunflower
031.(mis)interpretation 032.hero 033.lies 034.laughter 035.forever
036.game consoles 037.cows 038.post-it notes 039.summer nights 040.waltz


#01 - Comfort
#02 - Kiss
#03 - Soft
#04 - Pain
#05 - Potatoes
#06 - Rain
#07 - Chocolate
#08 - Happiness
#09 - Telephone
#10 - Ears
#11 - Name
#12 - Sensual
#13 - Death
#14 - Sex
#15 - Touch
#16 - Weakness
#17 - Tears
#18 - Speed
#19 - Wind
#20 - Freedom
#21 - Life
#22 - Jealousy
#23 - Hands
#24 - Taste
#25 - Devotion
#26 - Forever
#27 - Blood
#28 - Sickness
#29 - Melody
#30 - Star
#31 - Home
#32 - Confusion
#33 - Fear
#34 - Lightning/Thunder
#35 - Bonds
#36 - Market
#37 - Technology
#38 - Gift
#39 - Smile
#40 - Innocence
#41 - Completion
#42 - Clouds
#43 - Sky
#44 - Heaven
#45 - Hell
#46 - Sun
#47 - Moon
#48 - Waves
#49 - Hair
#50 - Supernova
14 August 2013 @ 06:59 pm
so now you’re about to turn twenty and the world hasn’t gotten any bigger for you. you’re untouched, unloved, unprepared. your parents still pay for your gas. your friends all have internships. one of them even got cast to be in a movie. you’ve got all this talent that you don’t know how to share. you just want to fuck someone, anyone, to feel a little less like an island. the man at the McDonald’s drive-thru held both sides of your hand when he handed you your change and you cried the entire way home. skin burns. you’re about to turn twenty and you feel like you’re fifteen. you sleep for fourteen hours and still need a nap. the world is shrinking one empty heartache at a time.

you’re scared you’ll never find anyone to love you, not even well. you’ll settle for anything.

you’re about to turn twenty and they never remind you how young that is. falling in love does not make you grow up, heartbreak does, and there is more than one way to fall apart. you’re about to turn twenty and it’s okay if you aren’t ready. it’s okay if you aren’t ready. it’s okay.

— turning 20 | Caitlyn S.
04 June 2013 @ 09:23 pm
Cancer--I know so little about it. It's something I thought existed in movies, something I wouldn't have to deal with in my life. Surprisingly, coping with someone having cancer is more about life and how it's affected than anything else.

Similarly, something you don't see in movies but always experience in life...people around you that should be some of the closest people to you but that are spouting poisonous, hurtful and venomous words.

What? you say. In disbelief, thinking you've misheard.

Nothing, they reply. But now you're sure you didn't mishear the meaning behind their words. But years later, you still remember.

These people were my closest friends at one time. Or part of my extended family. Recently, I've found it so difficult to forgive them, and find myself distancing myself from them because their words can be so hurtful, so toxic. And because I'm at a stage in life where I actually believe that I deserve to be around and with people that treat me better than that, regardless of their moods or level of exhaustion. If they don't like me, so be it, let's not hang out together, but please don't take up my time and please don't block me from finding happiness and being around people that treat me better.

I remember Junsu saying that his "friends" in the past during the time of debut also said hateful words to him. After he said that, I couldn't stop thinking about this. Maybe because of that, somewhere along the way, I realized that I deserve to be treated better by people that I call "friends" or "family."
25 December 2012 @ 01:55 am
Title: Snowy Wishes
Pairing: Changmin/Junsu
Genre: Drama, Romance, Fluff, some fail attempt at smut
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Summary: Junsu is still waiting for Changmin to confess.
A/N: Written for brownbox72 as the second part to an entry for hug______'s Secret Santa 2012. So sorry for the delay--it ended up being so long that I could have cut it into a three to four shot, but I decided against it. There are a lot of flaws in this because of limited time but the overall idea is in there haha, and also this is my first time writing smut so I'm sorry if it just seems boring--hopefully not ^^. ahem, it really rekindled my love for the Minsu pairing. Anyways, I hope everyone spends good times and makes good memories for the little that's left of 2012, and also hope 2013 will be even more happy!

elevator chats and midnight secret rendezvousCollapse )
23 December 2012 @ 02:50 am
Title: Snowy Wishes
Pairing: Changmin/Junsu
Genre: Drama, Romance, Fluff, some fail attempt at smut
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Summary: Junsu is still waiting for Changmin to confess.
A/N: Written for brownbox72 as an entry for hug______'s Secret Santa 2012. This is a little messy and all over the place, but I hope you enjoy it regardless! :D Will post up second part tomorrow, sry for the delay. Hopefully I met some of the genres you were looking for, but I tried to play it safe so there will be some cliches >< The Changmin/Junsu pairing is difficult for me to write and I had to rewatch some old videos to rekindle my OTP love for them. Anyways, please stay warm and have a happy christmas!

Read more...Collapse )
17 December 2012 @ 06:32 pm
"Happiness is more than dreaming about what I cannot have. I think I will obtain it by appreciating what I am having at the moment. No matter if there is only 1 or 100 of the fans who make me happy, even if there is only one stage for me, I will still do my best and show a good performance. If there are still people who love my music, like waves, like winds, I will fly to wherever that is and sing. Today. I am happy that I am able to be with everyone who is here to tell me they are happy because of me. Thank you very much and I love you."

18 October 2012 @ 11:37 pm
I feel so sad tonight. I don't even need the rushing memories or the nostalgic. I just know inherently. This sadness. The unconscious knowledge that it's never coming back. That the people who cared are no longer in my life. Can I really do this alone?
02 October 2012 @ 08:59 pm
I want to be a kinder person (to the point where I don't have to doubt). Where to begin? A more open heart, less hiding behind fears of being hurt even if I know I will get hurt,...
16 September 2012 @ 03:22 pm
[x] You’re a very childish, dorky person.
[x] Your favorite season is winter.
[x] You’re the leader-type.
[ ] You love gummy bears.
[x] Your parents are very supportive of you.
[x] You’re on the short side.
[x] You keep a lot of secrets from your friends, because you feel you would burden them.
[x] You didn’t play with dolls as a kid, but instead, robots, tops, and cars.
[ ] You talk in your sleep.
[x] You have bad memory.
Total: 8/10

[x] You cry when you’re angry.
[x] You appear cold at first, but you’re actually very sweet.
[x] You would choose sleeping over eating.
[ ] You are dreadful in the kitchen; you can’t cook at all.
[x] You’re from the USA.
[ ] It’s very difficult to wake you up, and you treasure your sleep time immensely.
[ ] You’re popular to the boys.
[ ] You can play soccer well and also a bit of boxing.
[x] You have a bad temper.
[x] You have a younger sister, and you don’t think you’re a very good older sister to her.
Total: 6/10

[ ] You’re scared of fireworks.
[x] You enjoy video games and sports.
[x] You’re one of the shortest people.
[x] You have a lot of aegyo.
[x] You hate your name.
[ ] You mumble like a puppy in your sleep.
[x] You love sneakers, and prefer them over any other shoe.
[ ] You’re unorganized, and your room will often be messy.
[x] You haven’t had your first kiss yet.
[ ] You can’t cook very well because you’re scared of fire and knives.
Total: 6/10

[x] You’re the youngest among your siblings.
[x] You cry a lot.
[x] You’re obsessed with the color pink.
[x] You clap your hands when you laugh.
[ ] You usually get what you want.
[x] You’re scared of ghosts.
[x] Your voice is very loud, and can be heard over loud music.
[ ] You’re scared of babies/kids.
[ ] Your charm and your weakness is your liveliness.
[ ] You’re kind to everyone, even people who dislike you.
Total: 6/10

[x] You’re very honest and quirky.
[x] You don’t like bothering others with your problems/feelings.
[x] You’re obsessive about cleanliness and hygiene.
[ ] You would give up a career for love.
[ ] You make jokes out of lots of things.
[ ] You’re a talented dancer, and your power can compare to guys.
[ ] You’re one of the most athletic people out of your friends.
[x] You’re an independent person.
[ ] You hate when people sleep with their mouth open.
[ ] You love fast food, but try not to eat too much of it.
Total: 4/10

[x] When you’re focused on something, you don’t pay attention to anything else.
[ ] You have a habit of slapping people.
[ ] You act feminine when guys are around.
[ ] You’re not good at math.
[ ] You have a lot of guy friends, and used to/are tomboy-ish.
[ ] You love playing pranks on your friends.
[x] You’re very flexible.
[x] You’re like the lawyer of your friends because you always need to have your say first.
[x] You like to make things clean/organized.
[ ] You’re scared of elephants.
Total: 4/10

[x] You eat, on average, 6-7 times a day.
[x] You’ve never had a boyfriend.
[ ] You’re a gamer.
[ ] You’re the tallest out of your friends.
[x] You seem to be intimidating, but you’re actually quiet and obedient.
[x] You’re a friendly, cheerful person.
[x] You feel that you’re not beautiful.
[ ] Your motto is: “Let’s not procrastinate.”
[x] You’re a fan of Harry Potter.
[ ] You invent cute nicknames for people.
Total: 6/10

[ ] You’re considered the prettiest out of your friends.
[x] You seem quiet and hard to approach, but you’re actually quite friendly.
[x] You’re the strongest—physically—in your group.
[x] You love roller coasters.
[x] You have a unique laugh.
[x] You’re a free thinker.
[ ] You don’t know how to swim.
[x] You’re the queen of midnight snacking.
[x] If you’re upset, you’ll voice it out.
[x] You like ballad songs the most.
Total: 8/10

[ ] You love eating sweet potatoes.
[ ] You’re very skilled with the piano.
[ ] You wake up when someone turns on the lights or calls out to you.
[x] You like books and enjoy reading.
[ ] You think guys are gross.
[ ] You’re fond of wearing headbands.
[x] You love listening to classical music, or nature’s sounds.
[ ] If you’re angry, you’ll stay quiet.
[ ] You’re an only child.
[x] You’re very polite and obedient.
Total: 3/10