In Portland, I fell in like with a boy who worked at a cafe/deli. He looked clean cut(?) and calm/reliable, or like someone I could lean on when I'm tired and who would take me seriously without judging me even when I come off kind of silly or ditzy sometimes (like him gently waving me back down to my seat seriously and non-judgmentally when I was so nervous that I jumped up every time he brought out an order). And he had great work ethics, straightening out the chairs at 7am with seriousness and diligence for the family business where he was working most likely only to help out over the summer, and I liked how he made an effort to smile brighter at me every time he handed me my order because I always tried to put on a bright smile for him. He made my heart beat every time I saw him and made me want to dress up well when I went to work. I never had the courage to ask for his name or number even when, in my exhaustion, I would still try to make it to his store in the morning to buy a breakfast burrito. I left Portland after my two weeks business trip and I think my heart hurt a little for the two weeks after in regret. But I also felt sad/frustrated with myself and had thoughts like, "Who even wants to eat a breakfast burrito every single morning? Was I not obviousenough? He probably didn't want to give me his number but was too nice to outright reject me, so he just humored me and put up with my
subtletyobviousness or silliness while being softly amused." Anyways, he was someone I fell in like with without knowing anything about his background or social status other than that he was Asian. My feelings for him felt so innocent.
Now, only shortly after and three months later on another business trip within California, I more formally meet and work with and have lunch with a co-worker. And I find out that he is Chinese and can even speak Cantonese (which is my family's dialect) and I know his socio-economic status, approximate age, and that he gets along with his grandmother. He looks clean cut, professional, just the right height and probably stature, and is confident, and I honestly can't read him because of his poker, stoic face--sometimes he comes off pretty nosy/scary/cold/judging. But then sometimes, the way he never fails to invite me to lunch with him and another co-worker he is close with, the way he makes an effort every day to ask me what I had for dinner or did the night before, the way he felt nice and non-judgmental though I was sick and probably looked or sounded disgusting, and the way he notices all these details like whether and what I eat or don't during lunch. He seems surprisingly nice and different from my first impression of him and I honestly still can't read him, so my self-defense mechanism puts this safe thought in my head that he's probably super nice but also doesn't like me as a person or someone he would want to be friends with. But it's kind of pathetic because I'm pretty sure I am in like with him and the only thing keeping me grounded is that he has a girlfriend. Who today he has casually thought about marriage to. And again, he probably doesn't like me but is somehow able to come off as nice despite the poker face. And I'm not sure if I like him for that or because he matches all the most basic ideals I have. This is someone I fell in like with, after knowing a lot about him superficially, including his job and status, nationality, and so on and that he also tries with everyone.
Anyways, two different types of like. Both of which have made me feel absolutely pathetic within a short span of two weeks each. And...do I sound lonely yet? OTI